DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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