and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Randomize
