He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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