it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
