When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
you win again, gameday.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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