I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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