you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
