Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Randomize
