Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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