take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
