Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Randomize
