You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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