you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
