Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
