I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize