theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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