Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
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