I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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