Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
