I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
