i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
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