i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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