So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
