i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
