you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
