Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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