I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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