haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
