all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
