your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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