You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
