I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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