I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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