Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
