On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
