My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize