apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
