Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize