I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize