She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
