If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
