My underwear smells like fireworks.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
