So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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