Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
