Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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