So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
