Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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