My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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