You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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