Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
