hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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