It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
