I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
