Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
time to smoke my breakfast
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
