You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize