My girlfriend figured out who you are.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Randomize
