I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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