I showed him my bush... on skype.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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